Leaving the beach
My beach vacation with my husband was amazing. I still have some left over relaxation and peace that I was losing hold of before vacation during the holiday season.
To be real, let me tell you that I sobbed to my husband about coming home from vacation. I don’t know if any other moms have experienced this phenomenon. It has happened every time we go away. I sob out of nowhere. Then I ask my husband what’s wrong me with and he tells me that it’s completely normal. Because it’s hard.
We are so blessed with a beautiful home and a toddler who really is well behaved. I heard a lot over the holidays about what a great baby she is. She is. She really is. Most people don’t see the same baby I see because she lets her hair down with me. She tests her boundaries with me. So when I keep hearing how wonderful she is I feel guilty because it feels like such a struggle.
Why is it so hard?
I think about how many books I should be reading her, if she’s getting too much TV time and if she’s socializing enough with other kids. I think about well balanced meals and her spirituality and how I will explain God to her. Am I telling her “no” too much or am I making her into a brat by letting her get away with pretty much anything that isn’t dangerous?
The list goes on and if you’re a parent I’m sure you’re familiar with the constant stream of thoughts. Immediately upon coming home from vacation, I had a hard time sleeping at night. Since I’ve had the baby, the worry I feel for her is overwhelming and I’ve fought insomnia over and over. My husband and I pray almost every night before bed for freedom from insomnia.
The fear of loss is why it’s so hard
I had an early miscarriage right before we were blessed to have our baby Rachel. I lost the baby and before having another cycle I was pregnant again. She is our miracle baby. The scars of losing a child don’t go away overnight. The fear of losing Rachel is so very real. Typing this right now makes me tear up. Because I don’t know how I would live through that kind of loss again.
I was and still am such a work in progress. I’m learning how to be a wife and a mom all at once. I am a writer, a free spirit, and a traveler. Having a schedule and a list of chores isn’t in my DNA but it’s what I’m doing right now. I struggle with the desire and need to run free while at the same time agonizing over whether my daughter is okay and if my love is enough for her.
I wrote a blog post about resolving to love more in the New Year. However, the reality and the responsibility is overwhelming at times. Instead of adding anything new to my list, I’m just trying to keep going and keep loving. There it is, the honest truth. I know other moms must feel this way. 2019 feels different to me than other New Year’s as if I’m watching it happen from afar knowing I can’t really partake.
I do have to push through hard things but there’s no reason to make things harder on purpose and I can’t let guilt and fear overtake me. New Year’s resolutions feel like a subtle way of saying that I’m not doing enough. I know that’s a lie. I wonder who else struggles with that lie like I do. Peace doesn’t come from doing. It comes from God. That’s what the love resolution is all about. It’s not doing more. It’s doing less. It’s loving myself too. Love casts out fear and overcomes guilt. It tells me I am enough.
I lost sight of that and boarded the crazy train yesterday and folded three loads of laundry and made dinner in the crockpot. I did my obligatory healthy eating and workout to make up for vacation. I’m also trying like a madwoman to displace the guilt I feel over leaving my little angel toddler for a week. I missed her so much, I really did. So I’m reading her books, feeding her vegetables and taking her outside and giving lots of hugs.
Real love is scary but so worth it
I’m trying to be okay with watching and being inspired by other people’s resolutions from afar this year and knowing that I’m kind of heartbroken to be back to reality. It’s not because my reality is bad. It’s because loving is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. To love in a way that hurts your heart as it heals it because you know that the threat of loss is so much closer than we like to think.
I pray God helps me to love without the fear of loss this year. That he helps me overcome the grief and the pain that causes me to want to run away from what I love the most. This is my resolution and it is impossible for me to do on my own. To any other moms out there who have lost a baby or a child, I pray for you right now. That God give you healing from grief and replaces fear with love. God bless you, mama, because you are brave. Cast your burdens upon the Lord because He cares for you.